Jokes
1.At a grocery store A man observed a woman in the grocery store
with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section,
the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little
girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now
Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It
won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little
girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to
cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles
to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout
stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a
terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said
serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then
you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the
parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing
how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied,
"I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
2.It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the
local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the
store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way
to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful
curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and
knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got
up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the
line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the
store!"
3.The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened
up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was
horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its
arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper
was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own
shop-it read... Main entrance.
4.A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive
jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any
trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about
this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked
at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you
show me something less expensive?"
5.A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the
full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in
the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he
said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was
completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your
daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He
just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a
free haircut!'"
6.A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department
store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The
clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man
repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the
clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times:
"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just
seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The
customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t
you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you
th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
7.This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He
goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him,
"Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time
and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a
hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the
chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours
and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something
wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the
man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,"
the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the
morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages
to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer
told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will
take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very
next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem.
The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The
dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw,
to which the man responds, "What's that noise?
8.In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming,
bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited,
Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A
woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying
to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm
Albert."
9.It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby
in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the
baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to
provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had
been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had
been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16
tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting
too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the
last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When
the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go
back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and
free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
10.The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a
couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a
beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
11.In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three
square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
In prison, you
get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you
get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys
all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't
sleep without his latest lego creation.
In prison, you get to watch TV,
cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the
remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks
to cable.
In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college
for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane,
and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat
for the next twenty years.
In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions
of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you
die.
In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit,
talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after
your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
In prison, you can
spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all
day.
At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space,
too, and what the heck is free time again?
In prison, you get your own
personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door
shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know
how long till you're done so you can do something for them.
In prison,
the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home, you
get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at
because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.
In prison, they take you
everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they
need to go.
In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects
for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home, you have to lug
around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and
took your last dollar.
In prison, there are no screaming or whining
children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at
you because you didn't.
12.Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to
the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last
rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had
been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man,
solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied,
"Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play 'The thriller' for me
one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other
man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
13.A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an
undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my
day off."
with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section,
the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little
girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now
Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It
won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little
girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to
cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles
to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout
stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a
terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said
serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then
you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the
parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing
how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied,
"I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
2.It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the
local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the
store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way
to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful
curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and
knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got
up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the
line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the
store!"
3.The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened
up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was
horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its
arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper
was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own
shop-it read... Main entrance.
4.A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive
jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any
trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about
this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked
at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you
show me something less expensive?"
5.A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the
full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in
the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he
said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was
completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your
daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He
just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a
free haircut!'"
6.A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department
store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The
clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man
repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the
clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times:
"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just
seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The
customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t
you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you
th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
7.This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He
goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him,
"Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time
and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a
hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the
chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours
and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something
wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the
man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,"
the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the
morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages
to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer
told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will
take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very
next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem.
The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The
dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw,
to which the man responds, "What's that noise?
8.In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming,
bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited,
Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A
woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying
to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm
Albert."
9.It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby
in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the
baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to
provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had
been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had
been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16
tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting
too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the
last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When
the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go
back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and
free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
10.The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a
couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a
beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
11.In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three
square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
In prison, you
get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you
get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys
all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't
sleep without his latest lego creation.
In prison, you get to watch TV,
cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the
remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks
to cable.
In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college
for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane,
and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat
for the next twenty years.
In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions
of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you
die.
In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit,
talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after
your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
In prison, you can
spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all
day.
At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space,
too, and what the heck is free time again?
In prison, you get your own
personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door
shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know
how long till you're done so you can do something for them.
In prison,
the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home, you
get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at
because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.
In prison, they take you
everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they
need to go.
In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects
for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home, you have to lug
around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and
took your last dollar.
In prison, there are no screaming or whining
children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at
you because you didn't.
12.Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to
the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last
rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had
been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man,
solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied,
"Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play 'The thriller' for me
one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other
man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
13.A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an
undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my
day off."